i've lived a life of lies, deceit and everything else but the truth. i'm sorry to tell you that you have known me. for i am not the person whom you know that i am. i've been rolling around in bed. i cannot sleep. i've lost my best friend again. yes again. for all the times that she have forgotten me. but yes. i've done it again. this time. it has hitted me hard. very hard. i dun think i can take this bullshit of a life anymore.
losing the only person that you can share things with sucks. losing the only person whose name appears on ur phone sucks. my mind is really all screwed up now.... everything is in a mess. u can say, take it like a man. jus continue walking on. but no. i cannot do it anymore. i've lost all dignity. i jus cannot face up to life. after all i've done.
those words 'i've never liked you before' really kinda hit me hard too. maybe i'm too emotional a person. but i was really affected. i still can't put emotions into words at the moment. truefully, i dare to say that i never really lost that feeling towards her. but i've always surpressed it. and kept it inside of me. i dare not express myself. all the time looking at her going into another relationship, and other things, i was constantly in pain. its my own fault that i cudden let go totally. i've been trying to let go. to explore other options. but it was never to be. now that i've lost her, and all my frens are also leaving one by one. i never had alot of frens to start with.
22years down. what have i achieved? nothing. if you think about it. i have really achieved nothing. i am stupid. i am not intellectual. i'm just a stupid guy always making fun of things. never taking things seriously. and acting stupid jus to create some laughter. maybe this lowered the opinion of people on me. that i'm not serious. i'm not dependable. i've wasted the country's resources for so long. maybe, just maybe.. not anymore..
rolling around in bed was horrible. which made me get up again. to write down everything going thru my mind. i want to die. these words jus kept repeating in my head non-stop ''i want to commit suicide.' and i really mean non-stop. this have never ever happened to me ever before. feel like shit yes. i've felt like shit many times before in my life. but this time i think that it might really jus be the end of the road.
the words jus kept repeating themselves.....
i want to commit suicide i want to commit suicide i want to commit suicide i want to commit suicide i want to commit suicide i want to commit suicide
i'm not writing this down to gain some sympathy points. like pple coming to me and asking if i'm ok and wat not. no... i'm writing all this down, as this maybe the last post that i'll have. so that everything might not appear so sudden to everyone. i'll still put up this facade of mine. i'll still appear normal. maybe that is why it hurts more in the still of the night. nobody will notice anything wrong with me. i'll still laugh at ur jokes. i'll still reply u on msn with my hahas and lols. this is just me.
i've let everyone down. my best friend. my parents. i know you're hurting too.
i don't dare to go back to sleep. the words will come back to haunt me. wat else is beautiful in this world i dun think i can see it with my eyes again. my eyes will look at things differently. my mind is still quite clear now. i dun have the courage to continue walking with my life. i dun have the courage to end it. will be a blessing if someone with a gun would appear and jus shoot me right in the head. i'm in a semi-stage. the stage of pain. but jus having those words hovering around me makes it more painful. i want to wake up tomorrow and let whatever that will be in my mind decide.
sorry doesn't mean anything now.... nothing means anything now... i'll say thanks for waking me up finally. after so many attempts, i'm finally awake. and realised it.
jus a word of advise. dun do anything you'll regret.. and have a clear mind before doing anything. both i did not follow. and now it has to be like this.
hey, i doubt we'll go jumping together. but maybe, jus maybe i'll jump by myself.
though i SMS u alreadi..still got somethin left to sae..abt livin life as usual, pretendin dat things r fine...not too healthy isn't it? well..u may haf lost someone u could share things wif but hey, if it u dun find it too gaY, i can listen...at least dats wat pple tell me...(dat i ain't too bad in lending a listening ear) well... i helped a suicidal fren once (he really did try killin himself.. unsuccessfully of course), n if i may be of any aid, i wish i could help u too dude... n hey, dats me...=)
Are you lost? Maybe you might be too fixated on some doors closed, that you fail to notice those opened for you. Some things may have had happened, and we all know there's no way to erase the past, or the unhappy memories. But maybe, time can heal those wounds. Maybe, time has already heal those wounds. No one's aggravating the wounds, no one's scratching on those scars, but you. Don't scratch on the wounds, don't add on to those scars anymore.
though i SMS u alreadi..still got somethin left to sae..abt livin life as usual, pretendin dat things r fine...not too healthy isn't it? well..u may haf lost someone u could share things wif but hey, if it u dun find it too gaY, i can listen...at least dats wat pple tell me...(dat i ain't too bad in lending a listening ear) well... i helped a suicidal fren once (he really did try killin himself.. unsuccessfully of course), n if i may be of any aid, i wish i could help u too dude... n hey, dats me...=)