1. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
2. You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
3. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
4. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
5. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
1. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
2. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
3. If At First You Don't Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
4. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
5. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
6. The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
7. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
8. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.
9. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
1. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.
2. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
3. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
4. I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?
5. Keep honking...I'm reloading.
6. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
7. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
8. If you can read this, thank a teacher-and, since it's in English, thank a soldier
1. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
2. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
6. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
7. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first
8. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
9. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
1. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
3. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
4. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
5. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
6. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
7. If your feet smell and your nose runs, you've been made upside-down.
8. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
9. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
1. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
3. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
4. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our as s... Then things get worse.
5. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
6. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
7. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Random Facts ( its true )
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
4. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
5. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
6. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
7. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
8. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
9. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
1. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
2. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
3. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
4. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
5. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
Newspaper Headlines. ( its also true! )
1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [imagine that!]
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [no, really?]
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [now that's taking things a bit far!]
4. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [what a guy!]
5. Miners Refuse to Work after Death [no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
6. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
7. War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
8. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [you think?!]
9. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [who would have thought!]
1. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [they may be on to something!]
2. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
3. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [They taste like chicken!]
4. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
5. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead [I certainly hope so!]
6. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
PS. yea. if u decide to use any of the quotes i listed here, please give some credit to me okay? i'm dying for some advertisement. its like how i gave credit to the people who inspired me for all this shit. jus mention me as your idol that u always look to. Or u can also say that i've always played a big part in your life and have nearly influenced all your decision making. And that my presence is almost unmissable and everyone should come and watch my movies should i make any in the future. Shall say a big big thank you to all my future fans. you all have been nothing but a masssive support to me in these times of pressure and stress.. i will strive to come up with better works in the future's future so that you guys wun be disappointed. -- bobby pua